Improved Kiss scene, Anyone wanna read it?
Topic: Best real homework excuses
June 19, 2019 / By Doretta Question:
"Why are we even here again?" An annoyed Lily Beals asked while looking at Kai.
"We need to talk, now." Kai said seriously with his brown eyes beaming.
"Did it ever cross your brilliant mind that I have nothing to say to you? Besides, ever since we were in 5th grade you've ignored me, suddenly I'm all interesting.." She rolled her eyes at him
"That's what I need to talk to you about. Also, just for the record, I've always found you interesting." Kai said concerned.
"You have thirty seconds." She said bored.
"Well, you know how I'm so desirable and how all the girls are all over me-"
Kai was cut off when Lily but in.
"All the girls?" She mimicked him. "By all the girls you mean Mariella and Hallie!" She finished.
"Hey, you're in love with me too!" He said in defense.
"No! I never was! That was a stupid rumor!" She said with her green eyes staring straight at him.
"Listen, it's okay if you like me. I'm not going to scream at you." He said like a player.
"You don't get it, do you?" Lily rolled her eyes.
"I know you like me, and I like you back-" He was cut off.
"EXCUSE ME?" She shouted.
"Nothing!" He screamed
"You're a jerk! You think you can get any girl you want, don't you? Girls aren't toys, we're human beings with real emotions and if Jared-" She got cut off.
"Jared? What does Jared have to do with this?"
"I'm sorry got bringing up your best friend! He put you up to this, didn't he?"
"Pretending to like me do I'll admit I use to when I was eleven and it'll make me look stupid!"
"No! Nothing like that!" He said flustered with his brown eyes staring into hers.
"You are an idiot!"
"Would an idiot even throw you a party?"
"My birthday's the end of April you twit. It's the middle of December!"
"I threw you this party because-"
"You think I'm falling for it? You think I'm stupid."
"Not at all! I can't believe you'd think I'd do that!"
"I know you'd do that! I've known you since you were ten, you're fifteen, five years of your games!"
"You're jealous of Hallie!"
"What the ruddy hell- NO! Hallie is the most-"
Kai leaned forward when Lily was about to finish and put his hand on one side of her face and kissed her gently then stepped back. Then Lily put her head on his shoulder
"If it weren't for you- I'd be dead... Also Maggie, Maggie's brother, and so many others.." He had silent tears while stroking her hair.
"It's alright.." She said quietly shedding tears herself.
The next morning Lily and Maggie were heading to Algebra.
"Did you and Kai do it?" Maggie asked.
"Huh?" Lily said shocked.
"Do your homework. You were gone for an awfully long time."
Actually, I agree with you on one thing. Lily is a bit irritating in this scene. But you need to read all about Lily to understand why she let him and why he does that, sorry but I'm going through with this one, so many positive comments and people say I'm good when most people on B&A are cheesy which brightened my day. :D
I appreciate you stating your opinion to help me improve. I may change it a little. But if you read the series you'd understand why it happens like that. :)
Thanks for the feedback!
Best Answers: Improved Kiss scene, Anyone wanna read it?
Cassidy | 2 days ago
You did a really good job, considering it's always difficult to get a kiss scene right without sounding cheesy. You pulled it off though. The only thing I'd suggest is to put more description in between some parts of dialogue. Good work! :)
👍 212 | 👎 2
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Originally Answered: Can y'all please help me right a first kiss scene?
I'm actually supposed to be doing a History assignment right now but I'll help you out. I won't write it all out though.
Don't use a lot of dialogue. Try to make them have an argument without constantly bickering. Have the guy ask her where she's going and have her tell him it's none of his business. Throw in an awkward silence and have the guy say something like "you're going to see Eric aren't you?" Have him apologize and she stands there looking mad and he just strides across the room and says it again, add some words in between. Then make them kiss. BAM! Epic kiss scene. Don't make it too crazy or sexual. Good luck :).
Hahaha... love the ending! :P Overall not bad; it's the "shut up" kiss but it worked in the situation and it IS a teen novel (I'm asuming) and I could see that happening in real life. I like the dialogue, maybe try adding some more description though. But decent, it's not too cheesy which is hard to accomplish with romance scenes.
But I've come across Lily Beals quite a few times from people? You're all the same person with different accounts or just changing name/pic frequently. Just wondering. ;)
👍 90 | 👎 -4
Barackisha Obamanique, whatever the hell your name is, welcome back. It's nice to know that you still have nothing else to do but mock African Americans. I usually love trolls. They lighten up Y!A, but you're not even funny. Like, at all. Your jokes are tired, this account isn't any funnier than the last account, and i think you should get off the internet and read a book.
@Rain Wanderer: It's just Y!A...Sorry i don't have time to be the Troll police. I personally don't see the point in reporting trolls...they'll continue to make new accounts, and pick up right where they left off. So don't waste your time.
Anyway, I think there's way too much dialogue. Add details about surroundings and the characters. Good luck (:
👍 89 | 👎 -10
Honestly, there isn't enough here for me to form an opinion. It's just people talking. There's no setting, no description, no emotion, no movement. Nothing that makes these people real at all. It's just talking. And without everything else, I can't even begin to care about these people. Honestly, I'd put this back on the shelf. It needs to be filled out more. By a lot. Make the world around them come alive. Use the five senses.
👍 88 | 👎 -16
This scene seem unnaturally stoic for a kissing scene. Of course, I don't tell you to write some kind of hot steamy romantic scene, I just think that the character dialogue and actions are somewhat forced. And that kiss, so abruptly and so...unreasonable...there is even a troupe for that kind of kiss: The shut up kiss. http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Ma...
I say, improvise it once more time. But, you can ignore this all and think of this as just my stupid opinion if you want to. As I do sense your effort in the scene. But I do implore you to improve this.
@Ada: The troll did not delete the answer. I reported it. It just my policy to report the troll on sight. I prefer not to feed the troll, and I hope you would do the same. Just ignore it.
Well, I am not suggesting you to be a Troll Police, but I hope you don't fuel them more. Their futility can only be proven if we ignore the troll. Any form of response than reporting is a "kill" for them. Report won't stop them from doing it, but it remove the useless answer away from this answer for better clarity, that is all.
👍 87 | 👎 -22
Originally Answered: Need help writing a first kiss scene?
Ohhhhhh Im really liking this book so far..how about::::::::::::::::
He did a quick tackle that landed us both on the ground. I was surprised that the fall didnt hurt. Maybe it was the shock of being tackled or the fact that he was on top of me face to face that put me in a numb ecstasy.
"Hmmmm do you still think you can beat me" his face inched closer to mine filling that small space of distance that was left between us. "I let you do that" I replied still smiling smugly.
"O.k then...." His words were cut off by a short silence. What would usually be an awkward moment turned into a passionate kiss. His lips landed gently on mine and I was engulfed my the scent and taste of him. He leaned away and shot my a sly look. "I bet you let me do that too"