Topic: How to write a paragraph and in dent it
June 19, 2019 / By Dollee Question:
Ugh, I despise the way Y/A makes my neatly indented paragraphs appear, but I suppose this will have to do. I assume no responsibility for this posting as I have been up all night unable to sleep. I wrote this about a week ago, and am already 50 more pages down the road (this is only nearly 2 of them). So... enjoy... if you can.... or tell me how bad it is. LOL. Only a first draft, so again, I accept no responsibility :P
Today was what could be considered an “ordinary“ day. Brianna slouched against the seat in front of her, resting one ear on top of it as she watched the rain stream down flat windowpanes of the bus. Stop. Go. Stop. Go. The constant stopping and starting of the bus as it let kids off made her nauseous if she let it. If she thought about it. Ugh. She sat up straight and looked ahead. Today the bus was particularly set on it’s routine of stopping and halting abruptly. The rain pounded down hard, streaming off the scratched yellow sides of the bus. For some reason no one had yet to figure out, in the Seattle area, a land wrought with rain, even the residents hadn’t yet learned how to drive in it. As soon as the pavement was soaked and rain streamed down their windshields, cars began slamming on their breaks prematurely, causing accidents and delays.
Brianna stared out through the windshield, where the wipers worked furiously to keep it clear. It was abnormally dark outside due to the heavy clouds overhead. But as they headed west along Grove, Brianna could see a bright silvery edge to the sky. She imagined the storm would blow completely over in less than an hour. Stop. Go.
She picked up her school bags and slung them over her shoulder, putting her right hand up on the seat in front of her in preparation for her stop. It was unoccupied, and for good reason. On a day without rain, the seat in front of her was a perfectly fine choice. It was near the front, but not over a leg-space restricting wheel, and it was one of the few that didn’t have filthy, duct-tape-patched gouges scarring the ugly grey-brown material. In fact, it had only one flaw, one that showed itself today with a blatant dripping and pouring every time the bus took a left turn. Whenever it rained hard, the water leaked through the roof somewhere, and then poured down through the ceiling directly onto that seat. Brianna was one of the few with courage enough to sit near it, as there was some chance of the splatter hitting her in the event of sudden acceleration. The seat behind the wet seat was better than the one in front, however, as a sudden stop was much more likely to occur than the bus starting up. Brianna smiled softly, though many of the high school students sharing the bus with her at the moment were currently alone in their bench seats, she was the only one of them who had began the journey from the school with a seat all her own.
The bus began to slow again as it approached her house, water again poured out of the ceiling and splashed off the seat in front of her as the bus drew to a halt at the only stop on that block. Brianna turned to see the porch-light gleaming dully out over the rain drenched concrete path that ran from the sidewalk to the front door. She barely glanced at the bus driver as she moved to the front and walked past her, mumbling thanks as the door squeaked open and the roar of the rain and traffic filled her ears. It was raining harder than usual, Brianna had already dug her house keys out of her purse ready to unlock the door to the empty house. By the time she reached the front door, water dripped in her eyes, and her shoes were soaked.
Jamming the key into the lock, she opened the door to her rather eccentric looking house. The roof had a peculiar curve to it that always got curious looks from her friends and neighbors, but she didn’t mind. She loved every bit of it, from the circular windows and the stained glass, to the enormous thick trunked cherry tree that spread over the whole of the front lawn, and the cool and shady backyard with it’s small guest house. A driveway wound it’s way around to the garage in back. The garage faced the guest house across the yard.
Gold: Yes, indeed, you were ever-so-slightly helpful. Being as the story, at this point at least, is meant to depict just how boring Brianna's life is... especially when it comes to the routine of school and the like.
Mudkip: Thanks so much for the grammar help. I've always been terrible at placing semi-colons. If anything ever comes of this, I will definately need someone like you to look over it with me.
Oh, and yes, the sentance you couldn't undertand.... I'm working on it. LOL
Carnation | 6 days ago
>Today was what could be considered an “ordinary“ day.
We actually don't need this, because you do such a great job of capturing the drudgery of Brianna's day in this excerpt. :) So cut straight to Brianna slouching.
>made her nauseous
Technically, the term you're looking for is "nauseated." Nauseous refers to something that induces nausea. For instance, the smell of rotting eggs is nauseous. But the word is so misused that it is not a serious problem for your story... people will understand what you mean.
It's = it is. You want "its" :)
>For some reason no one had yet to figure out
Double negative. When you say this, you are saying that everyone had already figured out out. Try, "For some reason everyone had yet to figure out."
>For some reason no one had yet to figure out, in the Seattle area, a land wrought with rain, even the residents hadn’t yet learned how to drive in it.
This whole sentence is pretty confusing. I don't actually know what you're saying. Remember, readers are stupid-- keep it simple!
>through the windshield, where the wipers worked furiously to keep it clear.
"Through the windshield, which the wipers worked furiously to keep clear."
>filthy, duct-tape-patched gouges scarring the ugly grey-brown material.
>Brianna smiled softly, though many
Semi-colon, not comma. "Brianna smiled softly; though many"
>The bus began to slow again as it approached her house, water
The bus began to slow again as it approached her house. Water
>Brianna turned to see the porch-light gleaming dully out over the rain drenched concrete path that ran from the sidewalk to the front door.
Great description, I love it!
>It was raining harder than usual, Brianna had
It was raining harder than usual. Brianna had
>A driveway wound it’s way
"A driveway wound it is way" doesn't make sense. You want "its" again.
Nice job, and great imagery. Just make sure you check your grammar and, especially, punctuation.
Nice. Expressions and ideas are nicely developed. But, it's a little bit boring. Try and add more liveliness and action.
Hope i helped. :D