Topic: The sisters short story
June 19, 2019 / By Diamanda Question:
I'm writing a short story for fun and I wanted advice on it, read it and tell me advice, and what you think should happen and some character names<3Lyssa.I also Need a title.
Amber and I are fighting again, this time over the stupidest thing, the bedroom. Amber wants the side with the window and basket and I want it also, since I like windows. Let me introduce myself, I'm Jamie Angel Miller, age 14 and recently moved to the small and unnoticed town Sunny Ville, with my sister and father after the rest of my family, mother and two bothers and one other sister passed away in a murder. I was part of a triplet pack, but now it is down to twins, yes Amber and I are twins, my decreased sister was our other third but in the murder, which Amber, Father, and I were spared from since we were out, leaved us to Amber and I.
Amber and I never get along, and or have anything at all in common, but now, it seems like we both want the window. Amber and I are complete opposites, she dyes her curly waist-long hair blonde and pink, while I keep my black waist-long hair straight and only add in red and blue with purple extension clippings. Amber is the Girl one while I, on the other hand, are not. I despise pink and frilly girly stuff. I use to be a loner at my older school, as being the youngest in my class since 4th grade, since I was able to skip a grade, but my father was concerned so when we moved, he kept me back a class, so now Amber and I have all the same classes.
“Come on, Amber! I want this side of the room!” I yelled at her, pushing her, “Plus, anyways, it will burn your precious skin! Princess Amber doesn't want that does she?” I smirked at her.
“Jamie, your right! You can have the side, my complexion can't be ruined at all, I'm glad you think that its perfect too! And ow! You hurt my shoulder, Jam.” She stepped closer, and backhanded me. I briefly shrieked at her, a line of curses, then pushed her and then backhanded her five times.
“Crap! Amber, get up! We're going to be late for our first day at the new school! God, I haven't been in eighth-grade since last year, Amb, I'm scared.” I winced.
“You? Your scared!? Hahah, sucks for you, sis.” She snarked and went to the wardrobe which she claimed and put on a pink blazer with white hearts, a light pink tank-top, and a skirt with skinny jeans under and she slipped on her flats and grabbed her bag and glanced at me. “Your not going in your pajama's are you?” She insulted my gym shorts and music tee by calling them Pj's then making a disgusted face at them.
“Course not.” I said, sighing. I went to the wardrobe I claimed, grabbed my Love tee-shrit that ended at my belly button, a sky-blue tank-top underneath it, and a pair of blue gym shorts and my high-top skull designed sneakers with it, and put left my hair down, while grabbing my bag and my music player, books, and cellphone and put them in there.
If you looked at us, and if Amber didn't dye her hair, we would look identical, but we look fraternal since she dyed her hair. We smiled, flipped our hair back, locked our arms together and put on the “Best Friends Forever Sisterly Love” act we put on for our dad.
“This, is awesome, Jamie! A fresh new start, new friends, new seats, new hot boys! This. Is. AWESOME!” Amber laughed.
~Tell me what you think, some character ideas, and a title name~
This story is about two twin sisters who are fighting over the same boy, thing is, I have no idea how or who to make him! D: Help?<3 Lovie, Lyssa Lovie
I was also thinking about having one of them being secretly suicidal, depressed and with a eating disorder, but I'm not sure if I want Amber to be the "Cheerleader with a bunch of secrets" or If I want Jamie, the one who a lot of people might expect her to have these issues since shes described as being emo, goth, and a loner so far. Any ideas, :D
Caprina | 2 days ago
I think that the story is very well written. It was literally dragging me into it, With the whole suicidal thing, I think that the more you show the characters' mind set, the more you can get the audience to relate to them. I, personally, think that Amber should be the suicidal one because of the fact that it would be very unexpected.
I hope my constructive criticism was helpful. Good luck to you!
By the way, thank you for writing that scene. I wanted to give you the address to my story on Fanfiction.net
The way you write kind of makes me feel you skip over things. Like you say, she backhands me once, I backhand her five times. Might want not to just skim over that. What do you do? Reel to the floor? Does your face sting? Do you glare up at her?
Also, I feel like you totally just skimmed the murder. First of all, if you know someone who dies, that's major grief. Someone who was murdered, even more. You might need counseling. But a triplet? I'm a twin, and I know how it feels to be one. When you talk about the murder, you say, my triplet was murdered last year. Now we moved to Sunnyville. One down, two left. On to hot guys. The repercussions of a murder, especially someone you share the womb with, is devastating. The way you describe it, it sounds impersonal, like the triplet was just a stranger.
Remember, all this being constructive criticism :) Though I kind of got offended with the whole whoops-my-triplet-got-murdered-oh-look-a... thing. I know I exaggerated that, but still. Twins are so much more than womb-sharers.
Also, you don't just slap your sister around 5 times and then go, "Come on! We're going to be late!"
I think some more char devel would help you ease into this more.
But you have a good concept. Try and research the repercussions of relocation and bereavement. You don't just move on from something like that. You'd have to leave your friends and school and everything you know, and your triplet sister would be dead. You'd be angry. Afraid. Lonely. Confused. And that's just a start.
Please don't get offended! I'm just being honest here.
I think you have a good start here, but I would read over it again to fix a few spelling mistakes.
For example: '..yes Amber and I are twins, my decreased sister...' <-- Take the 'r' out of 'decreased'
As for building the male character, I would just ease into it. Write about each sister meeting the guy, separately and maybe, they, at first, don't realize that they are into the same guy? (Only a suggestion). Once you meet the character it should be easier to go from there.
Hope this helped!