Originally Answered: How do I get my Mom to stop hating certain family members and start loving even if she is not fond of their behavior?
You can simply address it with her directly.
Does your mom drink too much alcohol? If so that may be an additional issue you need to personally address, see AL-ANON.
When addressing a sensitive topic like this DO NOT do when the person is in an manic/agitated state.
Like for example is she is in a yelling match with someone, most people address it right at that time. Wait until say a normal evening, turn off the TV and say, Mom, I need to address something with you, and it is important to me.
Before then write a few points down and keep it BRIEF. In these situations the other party wants to talk and talk and talk and make the other person give up. They want to DEBATE you.
Why is that. Step back, always look at core truth. Most people are doing EXACTLY want they want to do. If the behavior is illogical or counter productive, they MIGHT change their behavior or most likely not.
I believe the core reason someone argues with siblings or adult children is they are trying to control the other party, and they are not able to do that, and they get ANGRY. Plain old fashioned anger, why is this person not doing what I want them to do?
The other core reason someone focuses on an external issue is to avoid looking internally. It is 1000 times easier to complain and nag brother Joe than than to look in the mirror and say....How can I be more successful, how can I better myself and those who want to work with me? What are my faults and how can I correct them? How can I grow as person and do the things that important to me?
All difficult questions. Certainly much harder than saying person X is an idiot and won't listen to me.
So you get piece of paper and write a few things down. You can then go over it and END the conversation, and have an appointment scheduled...so you can say, I have to study for test, or I am picking up someone from work. You do NOT want to have a 3 hour circular discussion. Say read that over and think about it and in a few days let me know what you think. Its not an emergency, but I can tell this is a VERY important topic for me. Use the term "me" and "how I feel".
Why do you argue with your siblings so much? What benefit is occurring for you and for me and our family. How does arguing with other adults who are not interested in your advice help us achieve any of our goals or better ourselves. If she does agree is a waste of time, then say very directly....Are you going to stop? If so that is great and lets think of more positive actions we can take.
And stopping is not having one last blow up session to say how she is done with them and they are ungrateful and she never wants to talk them again, etc. THat is NOT dropping it, that is a different version of fighting.
The positive way is to stop calling them, or if they call be polite and NOT give them any advice or try to manipulate their behavior. Also she does NOT tell them...I am making a change and I AM NO LONGER GOING TO GIVE YOU MY ADVICE, so there. Again, just drop it, and do not explain anything. If they somehow ask, then simply say....Oh was focusing on other positive issues, it too bad you have problem X, and I hope you can work it out.
If she says no, none of your business. Say ok, at least I wanted to let you know how I feel. I was hoping you would choose me over some dysfunctional circle of arguing, which is clearly a total waste of time for all parties. But that is your decision.
After that. Stay positive, BUT CLEARLY change your behavior, speak to her less. If she is having an argument on the phone, if you can quietly leave without saying good bye. If she calls or the topic comes up , be direct. I mentioned to you that I feel the arguing is a very negative activity, and I prefer to focus in on positive topics that I am working on like, A, B, and C. Short and to the point.
Best of luck and if you mom wants help but says she needs more help then talk about seeing a psychologist.